ethics - Any ethical problems with dating a former student? - Academia Stack Exchange
Consensual professor/student relationships don't violate the rules at universities like A former University of Cincinnati flute professor accused of sexual misconduct Regulating such romances is complicated for colleges. As a department chair, I can say only one thing: DON'T. Dating or even just the former student is no longer attending the college or is not in your department. People are people and they will get together, but as long as the professor is not. Florida college teacher or college professor has not date their professors should not graduated. Can a former student is dating students, and the country this.
If so, this is a bad idea, especially for him. This would be shitting where you eat. Are you going to grad school in his field? If so, any relationship you might end up with will be doomed to very severe inconvenience. Life is very hard for dual-academic couples, especially when they'd be in the same department. If you go for it and everything goes swimmingly and it's Prince Charming and Cinderella happily ever after, expect that either you will live apart for a very long time, or one or both of you will have to make very serious career sacrifices so you can both work in the same metro area.
Men in relationships will sleep with other women without any intention to start a relationship with them. It's trivially easy to seduce a man. But you will find that the fallout will destroy everything that has taken so long to build up. Find another boyfriend and let the prof be. By sleeping with him, there will be 3 victims. And even more especially if his not-currently-ex is in your field. He is an established scholar in the field, which presumably is what you would like some day to be.
But if you hook up with him and cause him to dump his live-in partner, you will not be introduced to others in the field as a scholar. You will be introduced as an item of gossip. It will be very hard to win the respect of others if they initially encounter you as the hot young thing for whom Scholar X left Scholar Y. I dated a couple of my professors, back in the wild late 80s and early 90s and there was no fallout, particularly with the one I dated fairly seriously a couple years after I had left school.
He's been living with someone for seven years. Girlfriend, he is a Married Man, period, full stop. Call a spade a spade and recognize that. That's a recipe for a world of hurt. Step away from the man. Step away now and don't look back. People will say "Oh, Professor so and so If he already has tenure, it shouldn't matter.
If he's brilliant and going for tenure and a shoe-in, it probably won't matter. If they're looking for any excuse to deny him tenure People will, inevitably, talk, as you yourself point out. One thing to bear in mind is that if you perhaps got into Grad School assisted by a good reference from the Professor in question, then people will talk smack; they will assume things were going on back then, and that will not be good for his reputation, nor your own burgeoning one.
Following that thought through, if you do embark upon a relationship with him, you will never ever be able to use him for a creditable reference, and nor should he ever offer. It's true that as a former student, there aren't necessarily any 'ethical concerns' in the present, but as a number of people here have pointed out, what tends to happen is that people assume that this will have been going on longer than it in fact has.
If you're good together, go for it. The other woman of course is an added variable, but unrelated to whether he's a professor or not. You can't judge the validity of their relationship the way they can and you have no right to interfere.
One had a semi-secretive fling with a student. She had been part-time, and whether the affair started while she was still enrolled or not was a cause of much speculation. Even though she was an older student, well We all knew, and yes, a lot of people both faculty and students lost some respect for him, though he was entrenched enough at the school that it didn't really hurt him professionally.
It did also open him up to an immense amount of armchair analysis -- he was my drama prof and therefore directed a lot of plays, and her tipsy at the cast party" game.
The other fared better. He was a younger prof who dated a former student -- she is perhaps ten years his junior. His reputation took a few hits early on, and it was something that the students learned through the grapevine for years it didn't help that he was also one of the more controversial and non-stuffy professors on my small, conservative campus.
But by the time they had been married five or six or seven years and she was pregnant with his second child, even the naysayers had to acknowledge that there wasn't much to see there. Oh, and he was later made department chair. But you're jumping the gun, of course. It will ruin your career. I think you're getting a bit lost in a dreamworld. For example, I have several very close male friends one of whom was a former colleague and a current male colleague with whom I have plenty of fun, easy, silly, even flirty chemistry.
Doesn't mean any of them want to leave their partners for me, or I for them, though I will admit to initially mistaking due largely to wishful thinking the chemisty I have with my former colleague as mutual romantic interest. I personally think dating a former student shouldn't do much than briefly raise a few eyebrows.
I dated my university professor – and it was a messy, eye-opening experience
I personally know three male professors in my field who have married former students--all were young and untenured when they were dating their former student, and the relationship hasn't appreciably hurt their careers. As far as I can tell, scody's personal opinion is often correct, even for younger faculty.
This is still a bad idea, anonymous, for all the reasons others talk about, and not the least because you might well be misinterpreting the entire situation. As scody later points out isn't she smart?
Kwine and would never leave her. It sounds like your professor is a nice friend for you and my advice for you is that you should not rock that boat. But you know what, academics are eccentric so they do shocking things. In my department, two professors married each others grad students. Two other profs ended up marrying grad students as well. It's not so hot to try to lure someone out of their current longterm relationship.
It's also not pragmatically a great idea for a younger woman just starting her academic career to date an older more established male academic. If you're going into academia in the same field it will be bad for your reputation, in ways that will not be obvious but might seriously affect your career prospects. If so he doesn't really need to worry about his reputation. You are in the powerless position here and you have plenty to lose by this.
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First one they got divorced he's deadmarried second one then cheated on him with third one, divorced second one and married third one, to whom she is still married. As long as you're willing to accept the likely truth that he is not interested in leaving his girlfriend for you, and make it clear you do not want to be the other woman, but if circumstances were different, then you would be interested in pursuing something, I think you're in the clear.
I mean, it's not illegal to like someone who is in a relationship, and it's not unethical to tell them you like them.
It's only unethical if he cheats on her with you, and even then, most of the responsibility lies on his end. If you like him that much, and are aware that he is most probably going to stop hanging out with you, and that the odds are against him leaving his lady, and you are okay with that, then tell him. Better than harboring a go-nowhere crush for forever. It shouldn't be just about whether its bad for his reputation.
If he were single, I'd probably say go ahead. As someone who is about to move in with a future professor, I say back off! In all seriousness though, it's been two years.
If "discussions, e-mails, lunches and walks have been purely platonic" it doesn't sound like your feelings are returned or that your professor is interested in pursuing anything. It's pretty natural to develop a crush in this sort of situation, but in this case I don't think going through with it is prudent.
You probably stand a higher chance of your friendship turning all weird than it turning romantic. Not sure of the details surrounding the start of their relationship, but 30 years later it isn't a big deal. Or rather, maybe it is, how many "how they met" stories do you know of random family friends? This is the only one I know. However, they are no longer at the original university so that may have something to do with the "no big deal" attitude. At my undergrad institution, a young-ish professor had relations with a student though not one of his and his contract was not renewed.
As I understand it, he had a hard time finding employment elsewhere in academia, though I do not know if that was related.
Should things end with his girlfriend naturally without any intervention on your partI think it would be acceptable for the two of you to date. Otherwise, you'll be known as the other woman, regardless of your original relationship with him as a student. Okay, I want to take this question at face value because I think it's interesting. As a university professor, I will attest that the campus rumor mill exists, yes, and your professors and peers will find your hypothetical relationship interesting enough to discuss among themselves "behind your back.
The question about how the campus community will treat this hypothetical relationship would depend on the kind of campus, the social politics of his department, the way that your discipline particularly if you share one might run on gossip.
But as others have mentioned, it also depends on your professional profiles. Are you concerned that rumors will affect his career ambitions? If so, shouldn't he be concerned with that himself? And are you concerned about how the general knowledge of this relationship, hypothetically, would affect your own academic ambition you don't seem to indicate that in your question?
As others have noted, your hypothetical relationship would not be all that unusual. He wore Ray-Bans before they made a comeback, plaid before it became a hipster trend, and he had a nervous, charming, rambling beatnik-meets-Tom Waits aura about him like he was on the verge of either mental collapse or genius.
We drank, we smoked pot, we drank some more. All of a sudden it was just him and me left on his scratchy tartan couch. Surrounded by empty bottles of red wine and smoky stacks of collected rare books, you can imagine what happened next.
The rest of my undergrad experience was peppered with our sexual encounters and spirited — at times dangerous — adventures. I became friends with his young sons. I met his mother. I hosted soirees for faculty and students alike at his downtown apartment. One night, we got a little too carried away and he was arrested for drunk driving, with yours truly in the passenger seat.
It even made the front page of the local news. My laid-back, west coast father came to the east coast and met him.
Then my hardworking, big city mother came to the east coast and met him. My friends were polarized — they thought the relationship was either charming or revolting. As for me, I felt emboldened. I had made the choice to make a grown man in a position of power shake with desire.
One night postcoital, professor and I were eating roasted nuts and drinking red wine naked in his bed. I was 20 years old at this point. We put it on. In the film, Woody Allen plays his typical pervy-uncle trope, twice-divorced, in the midst of dating a year-old.College Professor Hitting on Students
Do you believe that?