Don’t Do It: Dating A Guy With Children - The Frisky
Raising tiny humans is a huge responsibility; dating a parent is, too. Natasha Miles offers a few key considerations before you date someone with children. I long to meet Mr. Right and become a mom, but I've been burned by guys who already have kids. Dating a divorced or single parent? It goes without saying that your partner and their kids are a package deal. But there's so much more you.
No matter how dashing and wonderful you are, the kids will always come first. That means you need to be understanding when your date goes into another room to call and check on the kids.
Accept that you probably won't meet the kids for at least six months.
Depending on the parent you're dating, the wait may be longer. The truth is, these kids been through enough since the split without having to be introduced to a revolving door of their parents' new "friends. That doesn't mean you shouldn't ask about your date's children. And hey, you must be pretty special to have gotten this far.
You don't make it into a divorced or single parent's life unless you complement it in some way. Don't expect them to get back to your text in a matter of seconds. They're probably dealing with some crazy, overwrought mall temper tantrum as you text.
14 Things You Need To Know About Dating Someone With Kids | HuffPost Life
And on that note, remember: They don't need another child to rear, so behave like an adult. That means accepting that your S. O's ex is going to be in the picture. They share kids, after all. If you can't deal with that, it's simply not going to work out. Thinking about taking a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip? The ex dropped by, came into the home and maybe even had a key!
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There were texts, emails and phone calls on a constant basis. Your new guy may be constantly complaining to you about his ex and before you know it, you are both caught up in the drama of continually talking about her latest antics. This is not a topic that you want to be the thing that binds you.
Healthy boundaries must be established to preserve the privacy and sanity of you both as the new couple.
Dating a Guy With Kids? 6 Things You Must Find Out!
This is not to suggest that friendship between exes isn't a good thing. It's great for them to get along but things have to change when another person enters the picture. Boundaries must be created to prevent unwanted intrusions. Your guy must make it clear to his ex about how much communication is needed and to emphasize that it needs to be focused on the kids.
Find out what his expectations are when it comes to your role with his children. It's not uncommon for divorced men, especially if they think their ex is a less-than-adequate mother, to want you to come in and fill a "mommy hole" for his children. Men may not consciously realize this, but most divorced men I work with will admit to wanting their new partner to be a bit like Mother Teresa and Mary Poppins combined.
Your guy loves you, thinks your terrific, and may want you to sprinkle your magic fairy dust around and help him clean up any mess left over from his previous marriage and divorce.
This is a big time set up! There is no such thing as a "bonus mom" unless the kids themselves decide to see you that way and the majority of them won't.
You would be wise to make it clear that you have no intentions of trying to buck nature blood is thicker than water and are more than willing to treat his children in kind and loving ways and support him in his role as a parent.
Find out how his children feel. Know that his children will most likely take a long time to accept you. Fantasies of "The Brady Brunch" and a "blended" family are attached to, despite the fact that neither one of these are realistic for most. It's not uncommon for children to love their father's girlfriend but as soon as Dad and girlfriend say, "I do", their feelings change drastically, often times confusing even them.
Soon, couples come into my office saying, "We never knew it would be this hard. This number can be reduced by getting rid of unrealistic expectations and being prepared for the difficulties that will naturally present themselves. Those of us who specialize in working with stepfamilies advise a role more like an Aunt or an adult ally not a friend.
The truth is a large number of young adult stepchildren who've had a stepmother for years report not feeling close to them. This isn't because the majority of stepmothers are evil; it's because children have strong loyalty binds to their Mothers.
Find out how you feel. Know that there will be grief for you too. Maybe you found his children adorable and lovable, but as time went on, they turned against you, resisted and even ignored you.
Women partnered with men who have children have a higher incidence of depression vs. It will take a thick skin on your part and support from your partner to endure these kind of natural resistances. If you marry, you won't be the "first" wife. If you have children, they won't be his "first" children.
These are things many don't think about when dating and getting serious with a guy who has kids. Women will berate themselves for these natural feelings of sadness and even jealousy. These are legitimate losses to grieve.
Dating a Guy With Kids? 6 Things You Must Find Out! | HuffPost Life
Also keep in mind, he will still have many "firsts" with you. Does all this mean you shouldn't date, live with or marry a guy with kids? No, that wouldn't be realistic for many of you.