The Value of Interdependent Relationships - Be Free To Love
We often swing from one extreme to another, operating as either extremely independent or codependent, resulting in unhealthy relationships. On the surface, it's wonderful to be independent, self-sufficient and Developing interdependence in a relationship is key to overcoming. Healthy relationships are about two independent people who decide to share Also, if you give up your independence and abandon the things that used to . It's time to find your independence while you're dating your SO.
Each or both partners take advantage of their ability to fulfill the others needs by keeping them needy and dependent on the relationship. It is based on desperation rather than desire.
Interdependence — This is where independence meets dependence in a healthy middle ground. In an interdependent relationship, you and your partner can rely on one another for love and support while staying true to yourselves. Although within this relationship there are needs and desires to be met, it is not based on neediness, but on mutual affection, respect, and choice.
For people who fear any thought of being even mutually dependent on anyone, relax.
Interdependent Relationship And How To Get There
It is impossible, in fact unhealthy, to be entirely independent. In seeking freedom from pain or loss, love is shunned. So if we can agree that, if you are reading this blog, you either are in or want to be in a relationship, you are going to be okay with some form of healthy interdependence.
The way relationships become imbalanced and codependent can be seen with Jay and Sarah.
Jay is an outdoorsman who loves nothing more than heading out for a weekend to hike and fly-fish. Sarah grew up in Chicago but she and Jay moved to a small city in Virginia where Jay had lived all his life.Bad Relationships - How To Break Your Cycle Of Painful Relationships
Sarah left her friends and social network behind in Chicago. Her idea of a great weekend is to stroll with Jay through the streets of the city, stopping at coffee shops, visiting museums, and then either heading out to dinner somewhere nice, or going home for a cozy evening in their apartment.
Over the years, Jay has all but given up his outdoor activities. On one end you have extreme independence and on the polar opposite end you have codependence. Neither extreme is helpful for your relationship.
Codependency vs. Interdependency
The best solution is to find a middle ground. Those who are anxiously attached or have endured abuse or struggled with substance abuse tend to lean more towards the codependent side, whereas those who are avoidant tend to be more on the independent side.
It is a scale and not all anxious and avoidant individuals would fall into the extremes, but those who rate high on anxious or avoidant behaviours tend to follow this pattern. Ideally, we want to move away from the outer edges of the scale, towards the middle—towards interdependence. The ideal is to create a hybrid—an interdependent relationship. An interdependent relationship is where both partners are mutually reliant on each other.
It is a safe bond where partners can rely on each other but also maintain their autonomous identity. Trust me this is not as easy as it sounds. Many people lose themselves in others, or push intimacy away in an attempt to protect themselves.
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Finding a balance of depending on but also being autonomous can be tricky. Here are a few tips to help fuse the two extremes and move towards interdependence: Find a Secure Model Securely attached individuals are excellent when it comes to the balancing act of interdependence.
Due to their positive view of self and others, they tend to see people as dependable and reliable. They trust that people will support them and they are eager to support others. This means they enter into their relationships not only concerned with their own needs but also the needs of their partner. We can learn from and emulate the traits of a secure individual; it can be very helpful when learning to nurture a hybrid relationship.
Learn more about secure individuals here. Harley, describes an agreement couples make to resist making decisions without an enthusiastic agreement between them and their partner -- especially important ones that impact both people.
The Value of Interdependent Relationships
Adopt a mindset that it's good to count on your partner. Dependence is often seen as a dirty word in our culture. It conjures up images of weakness and insecurity. But certain levels of dependence in intimate relationships can be helpful and sustaining. Intimacy serves to help illuminate parts of oneself never truly realized. Healthy partnerships bring out the best in people, because when they feel safe and loved, they are free to grow and explore who they are as human beings.
Instead of depending on a partner, we need to seek interdependence. We must believe that we do not have to go through life alone. If you have an issue with being overly self-reliant, you must remember that allowing yourself to depend on others can actually help you to develop your autonomy and strength. Over time, as you reveal vulnerability with your partner, you may realize there is nothing to be afraid of.
Letting go of control, fear and other intense emotions helps to make relationships more solid. As you grow secure in the idea that others love you and will not let you go, you learn that independence and love do not need to exist on separate planes.
When you depend on others, you are at your strongest. Judith Siegel, in What Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriageunderscores the importance of interdependence and asserts that it is what makes the difference between happy and unhappy partnerships. Society prizes self-sufficiency, but when taken to extremes, it can deprive you of love and nurturance. Even though it's hard, you need to embrace the idea that it's okay to show weakness and allow others to nurture you.
Siegel notes that mutual respect, maintaining trust in word and deed, and reciprocity help sustain interdependence. Judith Siegel writes, "In marriages where partners do not offer mutual support, partners have become disappointed in each other and have come to believe that they must look out for themselves first.
She believes that reciprocity -- being able to give and take support -- is an essential ingredient in a successful marriage. Reigning in self-reliance will help you build a trusting relationship.